Love online, a phenomenon of the 21st century.

You do not have to know the whole person, you just need to see the eyes, the legs or arms, or a movement that they do that you like, and that is all you need to complete them using your imagination. A person catered to your own needs and desires.

But is it really just a 21st century phenomenon?

I can’t tell you how many times I was surprised by the nature of someone, even though I knew them for a long time, loved them or even lived with them. It does not need to be online for us to be able to dress a person with the characteristics we like. Be mad at them when they do not fulfill these expectations and even feel betrayed under the disappointment. The question is, did you really love them? Or were you just in love with your imagination?

I think we all have been on one side and the other of this phenomenon. And this is a piece about the time where I was in love with my own fantasy.

PLAY ME A STORY

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I will be your footsteps on the ground.

One two three

And you will appear from afar, like you did twenty years ago in my dream. It was goodbye.

One two three

You, the oriental butterfly, a pure soul, came to say goodbye again for I -at first- did not understand.

I will take my time to immortalize this moment.

One two three…

You twirl around with your lilac wings, and I -in a green dress- pound the ground of our old roof and the wind is white. You float around and I watch you for the last time. Memorizing the details of your spirit, the lightness, the joy, the gentleness, the hidden agony and at last, the decision to leave, and I pound the ground.

One two three…

And at the end you leave and I stay alone on top of the old hous, and I never see you again. Only this time I can dance with you whenever I like, I will close my eyes, play, and stomp the ground.

One two three…

20.03.2023

On that summer day, I stared at the rainstorm and thought: somebody has to tell this story!

It was a meeting after twelve years, my first love and real relationship. During these long years, each of us has gone through their own journey. Mine was unstable, unsafe sometimes and rich with new experiences.

A huge storm took on the city of Paris, and I thought it was insane to try and make way under those godly waterfalls. Nevertheless, we both fought through and made it.

Love at sixteen, then a separation, then a farewell in the first year of war. Lebanon, Dubai, the US, France and Germany, and then we met. Different perspectives about the war, the revolution and society, maybe not so different as well. Maybe our suggested solutions were different. Different experiences, different risks and love that was still alive that took a new form.

Three hours passed like a passing wave. A tight hug and a sudden release and another hug afterwards. I promised never to take it for granted again.

See you after a long time, maybe in another twelve years.

Living in exile means you miss lots of events. One of the hardest things to miss is a funeral, where you usually get to say goodbye to a loved one for the last time.

This piece is my own way of saying goodbye to all my loved ones who left.

Being lost in the vibrations of the strings of a piano takes me to a world where nothing else exists, maybe a little bit like death itself, and life itself. A way to transcend to a state of absolutes.

To my fellow humans from Syria and the region, for all who went through traumatic experiences and for all who know what war means.

This is not a regular lullaby, it is a description of our fear of sleep and fear of nightmares. In this lullaby a nightmare appears, but at the same time it describes your strength against it and your victory.

I sing to you with my piano at the beginning of the piece and at the end, because I know how hard it is and I want to let you know, I am thinking of you and I am on your side. I hope you overcome and you finally sleep in peace. With love..

*Photo credit: Julia Laukert

*Cover design: Kinan Shorbaji

*Special thanks to KLangfabrik music school Mannheim